Why do I want to keep reliving those moments when I am sure that she’s gone? What am I so obsessed about when I know she is already happy with someone else? I could never believe that her memories are just some haunting nightmares to me. I am still stuck somewhere in between those times when she was mine; when her whole world belonged to me. I know I am not alright and I am not ashamed to tell it to the world but is there anyone who wants to listen to me? Every hope around my arteries and veins came crushing down on the day she walked out of my life; it was the worst nightmare of my life. Today at this stage of my life I wonder how i survived those difficult ordeal; those sleep deprived nights hearing only the pounding of my heart. Her departure from my life put all my plans into disarray; when i could not hold onto her hands anymore i knew i would be no one. She was everything good in my life and every time i try to get over her name; i feel my heavy breath gradually making me numb. It was love; a love gone forever out of my life but never out of my head. Her memories keep coming back to me bringing thunders and storms. At first it seemed like she just walked out from one of my favourite dreams until I realized it was forever. overtime i sit down to write about her; I bleed out a flood of words in never-ending cycle. She left multitudes of trials across the moors of my untrodden world to help me find my way back home where she abandoned me. And while i walk back home i just hope that my path crosses with hers once more nay over and over.
I dare say the world is such a messy place as I have been just another outcast soul. I wake up every morning with this hollowed out heart because there is still a vestige of hope that clings to it and yet i go back to my sleep with that same uninspired mind. This endless routine of my life has finally allowed me to set myself out on a journey to unravel something which always appeared enigmatic to me. The world is not aware of all the treacherous moments i have battled. For years i felt like i was deep down in the dump; left their on my own to save myself from the monsters and demons. Emotions are such a badass demons, they can be a gradual self-destructive force which keeps bombarding your mind and soul. I could not see myself as a survivor at first but with the passage of time and never-ending battles i became my own savior. After all these time in wasteland i am finding another myself; i was born to be a writer. I rescued myself when i started off spreading my thoughts and emotions on word press. Since then i have found myself feeling better than ever and perhaps because i stopped chasing hedonistic temptations for the rest of my life. Then I had to ask myself, ‘was I unhappy back then?’
How do you become the best version of yourself? This particular question has been on my mind for several years now. And often I find myself pondering about this question which leaves a whole picture of myself as a better person on my mind and yet I wonder how do i began working on myself with more clarity. Everyone wants to be the best in everything they do yet only a few are willing to pay the price. I have been trying to become a better person since the very beginning of my life as an adult but something very indescribable sort of emotions constantly keeps me pulling down. I have been fighting battles with my own monsters but with a usual smile on my face. Not many people therefore will be aware of the ordeal you might be going through. They might judge you as a lazy or hypocrite person wasting away time and i would say they are right to judge you, look down upon you and chastise you for every mistake you make for it is always easy to judge than to empathize. these people are very much ignorant of what you might be feeling like. They are devoid of the power to empathize you. And on the other hand you might be lacking that urge to allow people to understand what it means to feel like a forgotten page in an abandoned book because deep inside you are aware of the fact that no one actually cares even if they pretend to be like one. It is extremely hard to accept this as a fact and for this very reason you will spend a lot of your time and energy looking for a person who can listen and exactly understand you. It is a tragic truth that you will never find one; you know it is a sad world and no one wants to lift it up. But that doesn’t mean you cannot become one. You can decide today to be that one single person and help a few who might have been fighting tooth and nail to stand on their own feet. And as far as i am concerned most people feel the same way like you but all of them are too afraid to disclose their anguish. Humans are incredibly intelligent animals and yet we are too oblivious to the one another and we fail to understand each other in-depth. Yes, of course we interact on daily basis but only superficially. There is always limited sort of interaction and understanding. I believe this is where a real chaos begins. When we fail to understand another human, we fail to understand ourselves. So the question is how do we make ourselves understand one another better? how can we empathize another human? Where do we begin? In the midst of busy scheduled life such questions scarcely occur to us eh?
Its intense time of our life when we are in early twenties because this is the stage where we try so hard to figure out what we want the rest of our life-like to be. This is also the time we come in terms with an inevitable fact of life; we learn to accept everything we are and we aren’t. As we learn to take ownership of our life; it becomes crucial to maintain a balance between the activities that makes us happy now and the ones that will make us happy in five years from now. Often times we find ourselves confused about the choices and decisions we make that might have huge impact in the later part of our life. We also learn to say “NO” even if it means annoying a few people because our time becomes the most valuable asset wherein we spend this time in building our career, rediscovering our passions and nurturing it further. Making ourselves a topmost priority shouldnt bewilder us. It’s a real struggle every one of us go through, “what do I want to do with life?” I guess no one gets an immediate clarity and sense of purpose towards life. So its okay! We will eventually gain clarity about our own purpose of life if we are essentially curious, open to explore unknown and ready to embrace the surprises that come along the way.
I am in a motel lobby waiting for Gabriela. And I reckon she will take another minute or more which means I have some time to write this down. I am growing impatient not really because she is taking it long but my mind is preoccupied. So, I would rather call it obsession than impatience. You may dare say I am overthinking but I ain’t. What is it that I am so much obsessed about? Is it just in my head? or is it just on my mind? Oh! shit. I am not obsessed either. I realized I am just getting into a panic about the bills I am gonna have to pay tonight.
Many a time do you find yourself wondering what to do on the weekends, the usual chores aside. But in every case, you end up walking around your apartment building, going round and round the parking lot; walking around some crowded streets. Neither of which are particularly engaging. All these might just make you dream of large parks that you can just walk down to, along streets filled with trees, where you can sit under a tree, read a book, or feel the grass under your feet. And no, such parks doesn’t exist for the most part of our country. I guess most of our towns in Bhutan leave a lot be desired for. And reading headlines like this (“Children spend less time outside than prison inmates”), just put things in perspective.- Rumi
Yesterday I saw a man and woman at the train station saying goodbye. I am not sure if they were a couple but they spent a few moments in each other’s arm. They exchanged some words while holding their hands. I thought they would kiss, they didn’t. Maybe they had already kissed. The woman was the first to let go off their hands. As she broke out of their embrace she started walking towards the entrance carrying a small briefcase. The man looked continuously towards her. Perhaps, he hoped she would look back but she didn’t. As the woman disappeared into the train, the old man seemed sad but as innocent as a child. I could see his wrinkled forehead as he turned up the corners of his mouth to smile a bit. He was hopeful to see her again. I think a sense of hope in life is all we need to live on.
Take this moment to truly reflect, to quietly listen to your heart; to see the dreams that lies within yourself. Spend away this moment to explore yourself in truth; set out yourself on a voyage to allow yourself to discover all the things that are beyond anyone’s capacity to do so. If not for you, it aint for anyone. Do yourself a favor; because the entire universe is in devoid of the power to do this for you. You know it’s there somewhere in between your veins or arteries buried deep down waiting for you to unravel. But you should not confuse them for any of the mysteries that might belong to this universe. It is a soul part of yourself; only you can unlock those dreams and passions for yourself. In the end, these are some things that matters to you and to your life. You can begin this quest by asking yourself ; what you really want from life? Does your mere existence brings you the ultimate joy or satisfaction? Absolutely not! This explains why I urge you to take this time to reflect upon yourself and your ethics. You are a part of this universe and therefore you have a special role to perform and remember anything you want out of your life, it lies within yourself. Everything you want to do in your life; it starts with you. Provided you considered doing this, then reconsider committing yourself to become a person you were truly meant to be. By this time your question might have been answered. Okay! What is your answer? What does your inner self say about you? Your dreams? Your passion? and your purpose? (your answer should be a rational) and it should enable you to connect yourself to your conscience. Most importantly, your answer should further your alienation from the rest of the world for some time allowing yourself to immerse into the vast sea of your dreams. So, you figured it out. Cool! You got it. Fortune just kissed you. It took me a year and half to be in the wasteland to find another myself. Being a little more practical than I used to be (:
I started writing about trees and clouds since my childhood. I have been always passionate about words; to put things into words simplifying them in my own capacity but may be just in my case. However, that’s how i always felt about my writings. I believed in my writings as simplified versions of all complexities that i observed in all beauty in its entirety. By the time i was in Junior school i had taken keen interest into writing poems about girls and composing epistles for my friends; it still brings joy in my heart. Feelings were significant; sometimes laid myself down on the ground and contemplate about all the majestic things i could write about; mountains, valleys, moon, sun and the earth. nonetheless, i always described about my dog or either cows at school. I never read my true writings in the school which i truly regret now. i can’t still exactly tell what held me back. It still does hold me back. Deep inside i am afraid to tell the world how i feel; opening up myself kills me. You might reckon it’s because of guilt or remorse but it isn’t. It is something monstrous without proper name or description. May be this will remain as a part of me until i dare to uncover it. despite all these insecurities, literature has always attracted me. Scribbling things down has been one of my most observable traits. Literature has always been so close to my heart. I have been wanting to immerse myself into the vast sea of the world literature. transforming myself into an established humanist has been always my dream. Besides my keen interest in writing i have been always a reader which explains for my interest in becoming a humanist.
where do I start? i have so many things to jot down. There are multitudes of questions on my mind and most of them for myself. Perhaps, i should commence asking it right now but i am afraid if i am not ready for these trial wherein i will have to bombard myself with so many negative affirmations. What if i end up feeling worse than what i am going through now? or maybe i will feel better right? or what if I stop being at peace with the rest of the world? It does not matter anymore because I have come to the conclusion that no matter how good you are, you cannot always be in good terms with the entire universe. Now, seemingly i am shifting the burden of blame from myself to the outside world. It is gross or maybe the whole idea is bad.